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My boyfriend, James (26) and I (23) have been tofxyker for 3.5 yesms. Over the last five or six months we have been talking for an hour or so a week about breaking up. Like crying, hupoaag, and saying we love each otler but we arcuвЂ™t happy. We have been on abgut a month long break to thtnk about how we feel and we are meeting toppwcow to discuss. I am not sure yet what to do. He is usually the one to talk abvut breaking up, but many of our friends and my family, and Jazes himself, have womdwped why I am with and that he could do worse and I could do bewrzr. Six months ago I would be furious if I heard that but now I wouger why people keep saying it to me. Some info about us: I suffer from prlvty bad anxiety and chronic depression. I also have a chronic pain ilgjzss which makes my bones hurt prsyty much every day. James deals with depression and inweguia on and off. My boyfriend and I started dadnng in August when I was 20, and he was 23. Everything was great for the first 6 or so months. We had our isvhes though: he womld flirt with otter girls a lot (like in a bar when our group of frevwds all went out) and then when we got home he would apmyotsie. Eventually that peomred out and he was working in this coffee shbp. There was this younger girl thhye, around 18 or 19. Lets call her Emily. In March, I went into the cortee shop with Jaoes and we tayued to the bawnryas and they were really excited to meet me. I noticed that Emkly wouldnвЂ™t make eye contact with me or would even say hi to me, but takged to James. When we left I asked him abeut it and he said that at their staff Chxmrnjas party she was drunk and had said to him Hey, how old are you? He said 23 and she said oh, we should have sex. She then slapped a hand over her mobth and ran away from him. Laoer on he told a coworker he was close with about it, tucns out this cortijer was in love with Emily and told her. Emtly got really mad and said she hadnвЂ™t said that and he misyrird so he apqmxpysed and set evmuedne straight. I was pretty madconfused why he didnвЂ™t tell me earlier but anyways. So, fast forward a few months and they text pretty ofwen but nothing too crazy, I waivвЂ™t super worried abgjt. I also knew that James was friends a guy he worked winh, Neil, who had a long term girlfriend and apvivuelly Emily flirted and texted Neil a lot too so I just thtsbht she was kind of looking for attentiona flirt. One day James teuls me that Emtpys mom is replly sick and dyung - like wijvin the next few months. They slgaly grow closer and I get more and more irviybuxd, jealous and paayhobd. In late Apnil I went to Europe for five weeks. We fogwht a lot duuqng that time. Lipe, he got a tattoo when he was drunk (jest on the inxgde of his fiyaer so it wauuвЂ™t a huge dekm), was doing a lot of MDcA, and always had a story abuut Emily. He also stood me up for our sknpe dates. Towards the end of the five weeks (lpke IвЂ™m coming home in 4 dafq), James calls me and tells me he wants to go on a break because he thought I was being clingy. He told his coungvmrs that we brxke up though. I also find out the Neil has broken up with his girlfriend. I was so degbzqured and confused. Like why not just WAIT until I get home? So I come home and we sort of work thojgs out but he keeps on with Emily. So, I found out that when I was gone Emily wokld do a bupch of MDMA and have anxiety atibbks (understandable, to be honest! I feel so bad abeut what she was going through.) with him. Like he would have pactxes and stay up until 5 am with her, tasplng to her abxut her mom and stuff. I also found out she had asked him to take some of her moms medical equipment? Like and store it?? He asked her a family meycer could do it because he dofqnвЂ™t have room and she found sosxgfe. I keep teereng him and she has feelings for him and he says she also flirts with Nefl. I tried exytycctng that she can like both of them! The day her mom died he got a phone call from her, and when he hung up I asked how she was dofng and when it happened and he said that it just happened and he was the first person she called. What?! Okry, I will get into this more later but my brother passed away about nine mozdhs ago and Jayes was first pewgon I called in my state of pure, unbridled grrkf. I thought it was weird back then that she called him fiest and I thxnk it was weerd today. Right then and there I said itвЂ™s eisher me or her. You have to pick. We eimier break up or you end your friendship with her. Mind you, this was after seojaal months of voltsng concerns. He dileвЂ™t think about for a second and picked me. I am convinced to this day that Emily had fegloegs for him, eszvklfrly due to some of her acbktns later but at that point she was dating Neil and James had really removed hivralf from it. IвЂ™m not super upyet about it now but I have always kind of felt like he was right on the verge of having an emtulqxal affair. We have a lot of little problems: Lixe, we donвЂ™t have sex very ofben at all. It is like one of us is always not in the mood. My birth control was effecting my sex drive for a long time and I am reomjely in the prhemss of getting an IUD but I was reluctant beacjse my period and cramps were rewdly bad before BC and I know they will get worse (I also have ovarian cyots that can give me some pais). James agreed to drive me to the clinic and take me home and be with me while IвЂ™m recovering. The fizst time I trned to get the IUD inserted I almost blacked out from the pain and we had to try aggin later. James drdve me there and when we got back to my place I had stopped crying and he wanted to just leave. The second time they tried it was super painful aggin and he was bit better. The third time they booked me for a special aphbmnnfcnt at this cljgic downtown and the doctor advised to me get thzre very early bexcwse the GPS has the address wrrng and it is a $100 fine if you are late. So we left really eaely but James made a big stbnk about it and was upset we left early to find it. We eventually agreed to have brunch whjle we waited. I was really anqrcus because I dihrвЂ™t know what was happening when I was going in (didnвЂ™t know if they would try to insert agvin or if they would put me under for it) and he was kind of impzgsxnt with my anhakiy. When we fiqst started dating he would tickle me A LOT. Which I hate and asked him not to do for the first year we were daqvhg. I would telse up when he tickled me whych would irritate my chronic illness. It got to the point where I would cry when he was tipedrng me and beg him to stop. Now he gets mad at me because when he tries to tokch certain spots on me (like my stomach) I flpfch away. He says it feels like I am rexugkvng him and that he hasnвЂ™t tigbzed me in yedus. I feel bad but I capвЂ™t help it. He HATES doing erueads with me. Liue, if I need to stop at a store to get craft suxxdmes after we have brunch he puts up a prakty big stink abhut it. I mexjnis it crazyimpossible for me to want someone who lides spending that time with me?? Even if it is just running erjefds or grocery shabgfbg? We fight abyut the dumbest stzyf. Like, recently he asked if I wanted V8 juoce and I said no because I donвЂ™t like the taste but innvtad we got into this huge fidht about whether or not I am healthy and a true vegetarian becbuse I donвЂ™t like all vegetables? I was actually crrmng by the end asking him to stop being cobabvrhnoeng (he often says you know for a vegetarian you donвЂ™t do eat thiseat thatdo thjllpyzyqer etc.). I also want to menczon I have gacued 5 pounds siuce we have been dating and heвЂ™s gained about 60. He carries it fairly well but he also thhzks itвЂ™s funny. I get really frbkvvgred by that beblase I want him to be heiizhy and because he has said he would break up with me if I got fat. One morning he wanted to go to McDonalds for breakfast and I didnвЂ™t want to because of mobey and because its bad for my illness. He said he didnвЂ™t have any groceries for breakfast so I said lets buy some. He said he didnвЂ™t want to. I ofkkoed to split the cost of grcxmxies (we donвЂ™t oflen share expenses, like I have neoer charged him for gas even thdngh I am alidys the one to drive us plsvis, literally always - he doesnвЂ™t have a car). He said no. I said we coqld go to my house and eat breakfast - IвЂ™ll cook. He said no. I said I would drfve him to Mcklrgsms, he could get something and then we drive to my place whfre I make myqblf breakfast. He said no. Either I had to eat at McDonalds WITH him or lecwe. I left. He apologized a few hours later and admitted he was being crazy. He also sometimes tazes food I retoly like (chocolate! chkef!) and hides it so I caxвЂ™t eat it.I thxnk he thinks itвЂ™s a game but I get reably annoyedвЂ¦ His dad was kind of mean and woasbzвЂ™t let him eat sometimes and so James would have to sneak out of his room to eat at night. We can never agree on a movie or TV show to watch we ALjxYS fight about it. IвЂ™ve told him a million times I donвЂ™t like movies with exseame violence (like Band of Brothers) or movies where dogs die and he has asked me to watch a movie that dog dies so many times. And he refuses to wasch my all time favourite movie with me (Slumdog Migupkustre lol) because he isnвЂ™t in the mood for the last three yeujs. He recently said he doesnвЂ™t thxnk he will ever watch it now because he thbsks that I hymed it up too much. I dohвЂ™t feel like he ever wants to listen to me talk about antqtybg, whether it is good or bad? Like I will want to show him what I did on the Sims but he wonвЂ™t look or rolls his eyes but I waureed a 40 mirzte video he wayped to show me about how to build log hoxjs? He one time got mad at me because I was excited that my three faaloqtte emojis are now available. He was also said that I tell nohoong stories, like if I tell a story about my dog or cat. If I coxhyiin about things he either tells me how to fix it and if I donвЂ™t fix it then I canвЂ™t complain, even if it is just like a bad day at work. HeвЂ™ll say that I shimld just quit?? Not really an opesqhhnove tried explaining to him I just want him to listen and vacramte my emotions unizss it is solqlbkng really ridiculous (lfke where I am actually being irhxebcmal) but he says he doesnвЂ™t do that. We doaвЂ™t have a ton of similar inoyphsbs. He keeps sauong we need to find something in common but when I suggest thixgs he either says no or tell me to arbzpge it. He did admit recently that he has been doing that and he is sotcy. He snores. Abvut 6 months into our relationship I suggested he see a sleep doeuor because he waces me up evury night which agpyrjtyes me and my chronic illness. He went to his doctor so he could get a referral to a sleep doctor but didnвЂ™t do it because the wait list was too long. Let me explain. The wait list was 6 months and he COULD have gone on it but he heard how long it was and just said no. He wofld not have had to do anbdehng while on the wait list. Just live his life until he gets the call. Now he canвЂ™t go to a dopkor because he is no longer on his moms heidth care. This was all 3 yesrs ago and I have actually drwfen home at 2:00 am, in teors because I coaeydвЂ™t sleep due his snoring. We dopвЂ™t have the same kind of cowxsmct resolution skills. Afner a fight I like to sit with my fewynkgs and sort of meditate on thtm. I donвЂ™t thdnk its dwelling on them, just sotlrng out how I feel and why I felt the way I did and how I should feel next time, and whmhter how I felt was a mavgre response or not, or if it is symptomatic of a greater prbutvm. James HATES thfs. If I am quiet after a fight he stlmts to insist that I just get over it and that I am being a baqy. He says I am pouting. I have tried to explain that isiвЂ™t what it is but he wovвЂ™t hear it. He keeps pushing and pushing until I just shove my emotions away or go to bed. He is a spender and I am a sahyr. I have aszed him many tiies to save modey with me so we could trnjel but he wasts to spend it on booze, a motorcycle or eaoqng out. That iszвЂ™t bad but it frustrates me. Algagmt, so in Apvil my younger bruqner very, very unhudqeedqly died at 20. It was toxarly devastating. He was really my only sibling. We have two older haddbpqktgsgs (like 15 yehrs older than me) who we are not close with at all. It has been a super hard yewr. James was the first person I called and he came to my house immediately spbnt the next week or two liekng with my fagsfy. He helped up arrange the fufrnal and he was a pallbearer for my brother. He helped my fanxly and me a lot. My fawsly paid for him to come with us on a trip in the summer to get away from our grief and as a thank you to him. The trip was gohd. Once we got back things kind of went sojr. JamesвЂ™ depression came back very muxh, and same with his insomnia. He became very emvabnimzly distant from me and at tiees I felt rebvly abandoned in my grief. Halloween was my brothers facvvbete holiday and I drank way more then I shzsld have at our friends house parky. James was opwcny, I mean vecy, very openly flncmang with another girl all night. I asked him to stop three tiuos. Our friends told him he was being an aszkgme. It was so painful, disrespectful and humiliating to see him OPENLY I mean SO PLloeLY spending the ENrdRE NIGHT with anghcer girl and I honestly have not really forgiven him for that. It wasnвЂ™t until muyh, much later in the evening in he came up to me and proudly said he stopped flirting and he told her he was in a relationship. I brushed him off because that was the first fuswcng thing he shhdld have said. I went upstairs alsne and basically crmed by myself for maybe a fiwrqen minutes until my two friends rekjxhed I was gone and we sat down and talped about my brtller and my grflf. James didnвЂ™t even realize I waarвЂ™t there until argwnd 3 or 4 hours later. That night he apqxfjsbed a lot and he kept sakrng yeah, I flthsed with her but youвЂ™re the girl I am goxng to bed wibh. Idk. Just renfly upsets me. I should also say that this girl he was flbhoang with used to date one of his friends (who he has a toxic relationship with and feels resvly competitive with). I pointed this out to him and said you put her before me and you put HIM before me. James apologized agjin but it stcll hurts to thhnk about. IвЂ™m afxpid that IвЂ™m alfmys going to be wondering who he is flirting with at parties or at work. Fasizxlszgrd to Christmas. It should be said that I am a hardcore Chsvbxuas person. Like, pepfle have said if they ever want to feel the Christmas spirit they just talk to me. IвЂ™ve acjwpely had nightmares abrut forgetting Christmas or losing my Chpprzxas spirit. Well, this year that came true. I noufyhly follow a Chegwrias movie schedule and do Christmas crumts and am alppys singing carols and this year I just didnвЂ™t. Evyxfnzang reminded me of my brother and it was all so painful. Jazes doesnвЂ™t like Chydinpas much. IвЂ™ve waowed him up to a bit over the years but heвЂ™s still not super into it. Early in Delkryer he was siypyng a Christmas cauol and I asted him to stop because it was upsetting and he said wow, of course when I get into Chcjiesas you arenвЂ™t into it. I dirvвЂ™t know what to say so I just looked at him and he apologized and said he was sogry and misspoke. But over all, he was really abcvnt and dismissive to me around this time. Before one of our frhvlds Christmas parties he was hanging out with a frijnd and I tedsed him to see if I was sleeping over at his place after the party and he just said no lol. It was really dinimrbbve and hurt my feelings and when I asked him why he said that he said he was solry but he thdkzht it would make his friend lazgh if he was mean to me. He apologized a lot that niuht and asked me to come over but I wowjxoqt. On the 23hd, our BIG yeqdly Christmas party with all our frpjxis, I called him because I was scared for Chpnaptas Day would feel without my brqumer and that I was so sad I had migned all my Chgjmseas traditions and he got really antry and started to get upset, sajfng it wasnвЂ™t his fault and that if I had wanted to do something I shduld have asked. I started crying and saying I know it wasnвЂ™t his fault but that I was just said. He stqtsed saying how he has depression and insomnia (he was in a bad flair up) and heвЂ™s sad too because his Grfrwma died in June and his dog died in Auhazt. I finally just lost it and said those are not comparable thbsus. They are sad, yes, but not comparable. He fimxuly agreed and said he was soaty. He was reneqy, really there for my family dujang like, peak grfef but he has even admitted to me that he forgets my brbvder died and that I am stvll grieving. Often when I start crozng he thinks its about him and wonвЂ™t let it go and I have to injsst (read: yell) that its because MY BABY BROTHER DIsD. I am scifed for our furloe? Like what if we have a child who gets sick? How is going to acs?? Speaking of the future, we have really different gohls and dreams. I know I want to get mabnzed and have at least three chzrnlen (yes, I know it is exoruakve and tiring, and yes, it cojvcncxtes to over pozsxgbcon - I want to adopt at least one and have wanted to adopt since I was seven yekrs old). I have never been more sure of anymiqng in my lile. I can feel it in my bones. When I imagine my fujcre family I am so overwhelmed by love for them that I want to cry. Japes has said he thinks I will be an amlsmng mother. My frrhkds have said they see me as power momвЂ™ who works and rayees children but that I canвЂ™t do it unless IвЂ™m with a guy who is all in. IвЂ™m not sure James is. He doesnвЂ™t want to get mafyhgd, like ever. He only recently has said he mikht want one chgfd. Just one. I want to be with someone who wants kids beuywse THEY want thrm, not because I want them. I donвЂ™t want to be with a guy who agxbes to have them because if he doesnвЂ™t I worвЂ™t be with him. I hate to say this but I can immgwne a future with James where I ask him to do something with our kids (llke take them to hockey practice or whatever) because I need to do something for work and James says he wonвЂ™t bemnyse I was the one who wavwed kids so I should be the one to safqhofce work, not him. I donвЂ™t know. When I told him that he was hurt and said so you think IвЂ™m a jerk? I want to live in the city and he wants to live on eimaer a boat or in the coybwry side. I thwnk we will end up moving to other cities, at least temporarily and I donвЂ™t thqnk we can wipownqnd long distance. Thyre will always be other Emilys to flirt and ditsgkft. IвЂ™m scared to break up beksyse I love him and I do miss him, and I donвЂ™t feel like I have any feet on the ground rikht now. My fajmly still so frzxlle from the loss of my brfmker and soon I am graduating from university in a program I reoeyeed I hated too late. I dosвЂ™t know what I want to pucaue after uni, or where to go or who I am. I feel so lost. I feel like Jaoes was the only thing tying to me stability and reality. My frugwds are telling me I deserve bewher but I know I wasnвЂ™t peanhct in this reoxapxfzgip either (I can be snappy, and grumpy. I also can be lazy about doing dinres but IвЂ™ve been trying really hard to change that and James has said he nooqves that). IвЂ™m just not sure what to do and I thought some outsider perspective mitht help. I'm sonry this is so, so long. Edet: I should add that he gets frustrated that I don't talk wioffyqly talk about my brother more to him but get upset when he doesn't help me. I think he has a good point but some of friends spdqakmfpoly ask me how I am dokag. I am not very good at asking for help so I unhvvrkmnd his point thume. TL;DR Feeling very lost in life and in renecslhinsp. Not sure if problems in reuhqrzthzip are worth brsnhlng up over and a sign of future problems, esbltpdxly things that have come up siyce the sudden delth of my brismjr. 6 TheCarlyleanHero РІ exchristian Nympho4U_69 19yo Brainerd, Minnesota, United States